On Self-Love

I rounded out the year with a lightbulb moment, one that maybe should be obvious for a psychologist. But we all have those things we know but don’t believe with conviction. I was thinking about love - the love I feel from the wonderful, beautiful people in my life. It’s nourishing and healing to be well-loved by others. And as much as I am mostly, sincerely myself with them - as much as you might be sincerely yourself with others - there’s still some parts tucked away. There are past versions of us they haven’t witnessed. There are old and sacred memories that can be smelled and heard and felt that can never be fully bottled up and conveyed as hard as one tries. So I’m loved - deeply and well - but not fully. Because how could we be FULLY known in the richness of our being human? But I know myself. The shadows, the tucked away parts, the self-states that have died, the texture of the memories that make me “me”. The deepest, most complete version of love might be offered through my own love. What if we turned inward, really softly, really fully and could acknowledge, embrace, and love all that we find?

Self-love can be a hefty, radical task. Especially when the voices of others along with the messages of exploitive systems have been internalized as our own “not good enough’s”.

You might start by writing about a memory that feels special to you. We’ll start describing the memory in first person: Why was it special? How did you feel its specialness? What did that memory look like, sound like, smell like? Now let’s zoom out a bit…there you are, looking on as an observer of yourself. What is good and lovely about that person? How does it feel to look at them (at you) in a state of gratitude/awe/joy?